Boomerasking: Are You Really Listening or Just Waiting to Speak?
Imagine this scenario:
Person A: “What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done?”
Person B: “Oh, I haven’t done much really… maybe a bit of hiking?”
Person A: “Ah, right… Well, last summer I climbed Kilimanjaro. It was absolutely life-changing!”
Sound familiar? If you’ve ever been Person B, you may have felt dismissed or overshadowed. If you’re more like Person A, you might believe you’re simply sharing an interesting experience - but in reality, you could be guilty of boomerasking.
What is Boomerasking?
Boomerasking is when someone asks a question, listens just long enough for the other person to answer, and then immediately shifts the focus back to themselves. Researchers Alison Wood Brooks (Harvard Business School) and Michael Yeomans (Imperial College London) found that while boomeraskers think they’re engaging in great conversation, the people they’re speaking to often feel unheard and unimportant. The research identifies three main types of boomerasking:
1. Ask-Bragging – Using a question as a lead-in to self-praise.
Person A: “How was your weekend?”
Person B: “Oh, quiet, just a bit of reading.”
Person A: “Nice! I went on a ten-mile hike—absolutely stunning views!”
2. Ask-Complaining – Turning the conversation into a moan-fest about your own struggles.
Person A: “How’s work been?”
Person B: “A bit busy, but not too bad.”
Person A: “Ugh, you’re lucky! I’ve been absolutely drowning in deadlines.”
3. Ask-Sharing – Asking for input, but then ignoring it to talk about your own preferences.
Person A: “What shall we have for dinner?”
Person B: “How about a curry?”
Person A: “Mmm… I fancy tacos. I’ll start making them now.”
The Impact on Conversations
Boomeraskers often believe they’re being engaging, but their conversational partners feel otherwise. The studies found that people on the receiving end of a boomerask tend to find the conversation less enjoyable, less meaningful, and, quite frankly, a bit irritating. The worst part? Boomeraskers don’t realise they’re doing it. They assume their chat was just as enjoyable for the other person as it was for them. But the reality is, their tendency to steer conversations back to themselves makes them seem self-centred and less sincere.
Is This You? Ask Yourself…
Do I genuinely care about the responses I get, or am I just looking for a way to talk about myself? Do I ask follow-up questions, or do I move on quickly to my own experience? When someone shares something with me, do I take a moment to acknowledge it before sharing my own story?
How to Be a Better Conversationalist
At Azesta, we know that great conversations are built on genuine curiosity and active listening. Here are three simple ways to improve your communication skills:
1. Really listen – Don’t just hear the words; focus on the meaning behind them. Resist the urge to jump in with your own story straight away.
2. Ask follow-up questions – Show interest by exploring what the other person has said rather than immediately bringing it back to yourself.
3. Let there be pauses – Not every gap in conversation needs filling. Give the other person space to elaborate.
Final Thought
We all want to be seen as interesting and engaging, but the real magic of conversation happens when we make others feel heard. By shifting our focus away from ourselves and towards the people we’re speaking with, we create more meaningful, rewarding interactions—both personally and professionally. At Azesta Ltd, we help individuals and teams develop stronger communication skills through experiential learning. If you’d like to explore how we can support your team, get in touch—we’d love to hear from you (and, we promise, we’ll really listen).
