5 easy steps to giving difficult feedback

We all shy away from difficult feedback, and the longer we do, the more difficult it becomes to give. Nip problems in the bud by getting on with it.

step 1

Collect some evidence about the issue and get really clear about what it is. Don’t use this step as an excuse to procrastinate though, just collect together and jot down what you know and what you’ve already got. Remember that this feedback can’t be based on hear say, you actually need to have observed the behaviour and to be prepared to own your feedback.

step 2

Be absolutely sure your intentions are the best. Although it is really good to give feedback as soon as is possible after the event, you need to put enough time between the incident and the feedback to allow yourself to get into the right head state. Feedback is not about criticism, putting someone down, blowing off steam, giving yourself an ego-boost or making yourself feel better by trying out a few phrases that your headmistress used to annoy you with. Unless you can honestly say that you are giving the feedback in order to help the other person and mean it, you’re better off giving it a miss for now. You could get yourself into all sorts of trouble.

step 3

Jot down the core thing you want to say and make absolutely sure that it is all about behaviour. It’s fine to say, ‘I’ve noticed that you’ve been late for the last two team meetings’, it’s not ok to say, ‘you have a bad attitude to punctuality’ or ‘you are a poor timekeeper’! Use ‘the partner test’ on what you’re going to say. Imagine they go home to their partner and say, ‘you’ll never guess what my horrible boss said to be today, (s)he said…’ It’s best to imagine this said in an outraged tone. If the response from their partner to what you;ve said is likely to be, ‘well were you?’, even when presented like this, you’re on safe ground. If the partner could join in with outrage and defensiveness, you’ve strayed out of behaviour territory into the dangerous area of criticising character, personality or values.

step 4

Have a simple structure in your head to help you find your way. It may help to use the good old AID acronym that trainers love. Check that they’re ready for a feedback conversation and the…

Describe the action that you’ve observed and get their take on it.

Discuss together the possible impact of the action or behaviour on you, on others, possibly on the organisation.

Discuss together the desired future outcome, action or behaviour and the great things that might lead to!

Keep the conversation going until you really feel confident that you’ve strengthened the relationship and hopefully they’ve thanked you for your help!

step 5

Get on with it – it’s just a conversation. Get on with it before it gets any worse. Believe in yourself and your ability to actually strengthen this relationship by giving this feedback. You’re capable of adjusting your feedback to their reactions. Although you’ve prepared for this, be open to surprises. If you make sure you only say a little at a time and allow plenty of space for their views, perceptions and reactions, then you can’t go far wrong. It could even be that they perceived the problem too and already have a plan for overcoming it!